|"I've made a huge mistake"|
So what does this all mean for the Dodgers? Well extrapolating the outcome of Thursday to the entire season does not bode well for them. The Dodgers will historically end up going 0-162 failing to score a single run the entire year. Ignoring the fact that other starting pitchers play for the Dodgers, Kershaw will start every game and end up doing quite well eventually winning the batting title after batting a perfect 1.000, first player to ever do that. He'll give up 162 home runs which doesn't sound very good and will break the record for a single season but his ERA will still be pretty solid despite what will undoubtedly be an atrocious FIP. If the voters' can look past 162 home runs I think he'll have a shot at another Cy Young despite his also terrible looking 0-162 W/L record (in the age of advanced stats I think enough voters can ignore the record). The bullpen will be the shining star of the season with J.T. Chargois, Josh Fields, and Tony Cingrani becoming bullpen behemoths. Their 0.00 ERA in 162 innings each will break records simultaneously while putting up some of the best relief years the game has ever seen. Mark Prior, the new bullpen coach, will be considered the turning point and no doubt swarmed with offers of contracts and pitching reclamation projects.
As for the offense, it's hard not to look at never scoring a single run and look at the positives. But here we go! Yasmani Grandal despite being known as a more patient, slugging catcher will be playing out of his mind getting 2 singles and a walk every single game as he starts the All Star Game batting lead off. With Chase Utley's limited playing time in only getting 162 ABs, his 1.000 average would tie him with Kershaw as the highest ever in a season but he will fail to meet the minimum AB requirement and miss out (still a hell of a bargain for $1mil a year). Matt Kemp's bounce back year will be mostly a success with a .333 average and .500 OBP as a mostly singles hitter much like Grandal. The rest of the lineup, however, will be a black hole of nothingness breaking major league records for worst offensive performances in history. The names Cody Bellinger, Corey Seager, and Chris Taylor will forever be tarnished and likely driven out of town by hordes of angry mobs. Austin Barnes and the rest of the bench will think they've somehow gravely slighted Dave Roberts as he refuses to start them in any of the games this season. Dave Roberts will be befuddled, staring at reporters with dead eyes wondering why his team that was so good last year continues to fail even though he changes nothing at every opportunity while Magic Johnson tweets fake sentiments of optimism. Alex Friedman and Farhan Zaidi will try to spin it as advanced tanking being the new market inefficiency but fans will see through the lies and their faces will be plastered on dart boards across Los Angeles.
It will be the most interesting season in Dodgers' history and one that will either fill a Dodger fan with dread or eventually break their spirit so much the pain becomes humor and the entire city will laugh at their dancing clowns as their season plunges into a fiery pit of misery. The bright side is the burning jerseys will keep the city warm in the offseason. See you all in 2019!